Being Ginger

Being Ginger is not all that it's cut out to be. Growing up, I was constantly approached by strangers asking where my red hair came from, because if you knew my family, I don't exactly match.

To be honest I don't know what people really expect when they meet my family. I don't come from the Weasley family. I come from the O'Kane family, which I guess with our last name you would expect a few more redheads. But nope, just me. 

When I was little, there were very few and far between slurs about my hair from society. But once middle school rolled around I was called things I had never heard before. My favorite throughout the years? Fire Crotch. 

Allow me to run down the list:

Fire Crotch (thanks)

Ginger/ging (Thanks South Park)

Devil Baby (Thanks Hitler?)

Soulless (watch out homie you're next)

Red (meh.)

A few phrases I've come accustomed to: 

Does the carpet match the drapes? (are you an idiot?)

Do you and other gingers plan stealing souls together? (sure?)

Why don't you match your family? ( Did you pay attention in biology?)

Did the milkman stay too long?( a teacher asked that one) 

Do you have anger problems? (well I do now)

Since you're ginger are you like crazy? (bout to be)  

OH. You like don't have eyebrows. (please don't touch my face)

I could keep going, but they're rated R. 

What people don't understand is that by being ginger you're opened up into a new level of discrimination. It's not terrible, it's just annoying. I cannot go to the mall, to the store without hearing something about my gingerness. Usually I wish I hadn't. 

Most recently at the store  "ayye baby you can come steal my soul and some other things too!" No thanks.

As a ginger, and as a human being who believes in personal space. Please stop touching my hair and asking me inappropriate questions. If you want the answers, buy me a drink first and we can talk ginger.

But what all this has taught me is to love myself, and my hair. 

If you got it, flaunt it. 

With ginger love, 

-Tay 

Nearly 21 and Clueless

It's crazy to think that in two short weeks I'll be twenty-one years old. It's even worse to think that I'm nearly twenty-one and I have zero clue as to what I am doing with my life.

And that's OKAY. 

You see for me, it's been a long journey trying to find myself. To figure out which direction I want to go, especially. I'm going on my third year to get my A.A. with the "intentions" of social work. I put "intentions" in quotations because that's honestly what it sounds like, it's uncertain. 

School has always been difficult for me, I was failed by the school system and I've never recovered. I was called stupid and slow by my peers. Made fun of for my lack of understanding, by people to this day I call my closest Friends. I've had tutors that have helped, and friends willing to assist me in math. But unless that person is there guiding my hand to the paper, I'm a lost cause. Currently, I'm enrolled in a course that meets five days a week and it's specifically for people with a learning disability. An advisor placed me in there with hopes to see me succeed. So far it has been great. This is the first time in my life I have actually gone into a math class and not left feeling anxious and miserable. I still get anxious at school though, the slightest things overwhelm me and I mentally check out. 

I've never found my thing. 

I like English and History, computers terrify me, and Science is Science. I lack artistic and physical talent. I write and read above my level, yet still don't completely excel. 

I wasn't blessed with any outstanding talent.

The things I can do, they are the things that make me a human being. I can cook, I make really great fish and grilled chicken. I can hold an intelligent conversation and if I'm wrong I'll admit it. I can talk my way into or out of anything, I will make you order that meal no problem. I try and think in a way that will most improve the outcome of what I'm doing. Sometimes, I don't think before I speak and I find myself regretting my word choice.

I have street smarts. I'm not always sketched out by people, as most girls are. I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you make me uncomfortable I will shut it down. I have a high sense of justice, and responsibility. If I don't think something is right, I will voice it. I often feel responsible for things that aren't my responsibility, but with enough heart in it I make it mine. Which can be a blessing and a curse. I love exploring, I find myself driving aimlessly around town. I love the out doors, and I am obsessed with the sky.

With that, I am struggling to find myself. I know my true self and what I am capable of doing as a person and a follower of Christ. But what do you do when you can't mentally and physically do what the world is telling you to do? What do you do when you know you're wasting time and money on school?

I know. You go, and you do bigger things instead. I truly believe God made me this way for a reason, that my struggles would be used to make a difference in some way. With that, I'm currently looking at different options, whether it is school, or a year abroad in missions.

 Go take on the world. 

I know there are other people out there like me, that struggle with school. That know they don't need school to do big things. That have struggled with being pushed instead of guided with school. That have been hurt by it and fear it with all that is in them. I don't fear the world, I fear not using my resources and skills to change it. I'm working on trusting God with the future and praying about it everyday.

I'm not saying I will drop out of school, or that is what everyone in a similar place should do. I'm going to complete my A.A. so that I may return to school if I so choose to leave it.
 I want feed back from you, the reader. I want to know if you've struggled with the same things, or have input on what I should do.

Thank you for reading my little rant about life, and the future.

Love Always,

Tay