Have No Fear, I'm The Under Dog, Right Here

Growing up, I was always considered average. I tested average or below on state issued tests, and made sub par grades. I was never confronted by teachers unless it involved failing the course. That was usually fixed by teachers "adjusting" my grades because I was a helpful student and showed effort in most areas, just lack of comprehension. I would roll with it because it meant less work and stress on myself.

College came about and my professors don't really care about my lack of comprehension in the subject at hand, or my effort. They are what the grade calculations show, which has been steadily a 78% or below on most exams. I've never done well testing, I normally become the most anxious person in the room. " If I don't pass this I'll never graduate" runs through my mind as I read, or try to read each question.

I study, I memorize, I see each word and store it in my brain. But I don't understand why this combination of words matter. It's exceptionally hard when it comes to mathematics, I cannot grasp the process at which I need to solve, or understand what means what to solve for X. It's lost information and a waste of you're time.

My insecurity with math may expand beyond my lack of understanding and comprehension to normal words. I find myself reading directions over and over for every assignment. In hopes that each time I read it the objective would become more clear. Most times it doesn't and I just sit and stare, praying that a classmate would see my struggle and offer to help. I approach my professors quite often, looking for help, but often they're explanations usually are followed by "If you can't understand this part I can't help you." I had teachers in middle school and high school that brushed me off because I just seemed like the kid that would get it.. eventually.
I attempt assignments on my own, confident that it is what is being asked of me. When I arrive to class it is often exact opposite of what the teacher has asked within the assignment.

Why am I writing this?
Well, a while ago I found out I tested positive for dyslexia. Not the typical dyslexia that involves mixing words and letters, but on a comprehension base. It has to do a lot with how my brain processes things. There's something that isn't quite connecting there, and it's annoying.
At first I was mad, it actually made me physically sick to  my stomach. All this time I could have had help, and saved a lot of hard memories from being made. I've been called stupid, slow, dumb, you name it. I was mocked for failing algebra 2 and taking it again and barely skimming by.
I've been surrounded by people who are "successful" academically and make it very certain that I am aware, that I should try harder. Believe me if I could do it I would.
I could sit around and beat myself up about it, but what difference would that make? I'm that kid who made it through the school system without being humiliated and tested with a learning disability. I should probably be humiliated now, but I'm not. Not at all.

I made it this far. I'm strong.

I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I can successfully interact with people. I can read people and hold a civilized conversation with adults that most people my age would be afraid to do. I could live on my own and I can iron my shirt. Most people my age whom I'd consider intelligent people couldn't do any of those things successfully because they look at things with a narrow point of view. I like the big picture. I like that I've managed these years with a disability that yes it may have affected me academically, but made me into a decent person I'd say.


I root for the under dog in any given situation. Whether it's football, a reality show, or the kid that everyone just kind of picks on. I've always known it's because I can "relate" to the under dog, but never knew why. I always believed it was because I was the only redhead in my family. But now it makes sense, it's not just my hair color that makes me the underdog, but my ability to over come this hard things and keep moving. Just like I've always done.

This gives me a drive to prove myself more so than before. It's comforting knowing that I am a strong person and that through the trials of school and growing up I still persevered. I can't let the fear of being humiliated for my lack of comprehension hinder me from what I am to become when I reach my full potential.
I have a feeling it's going to be awesome.

- Tay

p.s.
Right now I am enrolled in a math class that meets five days a week. It is meant for people with learning disabilities and it is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I am continuing to grow and reach beyond this.

Being Ginger

Being Ginger is not all that it's cut out to be. Growing up, I was constantly approached by strangers asking where my red hair came from, because if you knew my family, I don't exactly match.

To be honest I don't know what people really expect when they meet my family. I don't come from the Weasley family. I come from the O'Kane family, which I guess with our last name you would expect a few more redheads. But nope, just me. 

When I was little, there were very few and far between slurs about my hair from society. But once middle school rolled around I was called things I had never heard before. My favorite throughout the years? Fire Crotch. 

Allow me to run down the list:

Fire Crotch (thanks)

Ginger/ging (Thanks South Park)

Devil Baby (Thanks Hitler?)

Soulless (watch out homie you're next)

Red (meh.)

A few phrases I've come accustomed to: 

Does the carpet match the drapes? (are you an idiot?)

Do you and other gingers plan stealing souls together? (sure?)

Why don't you match your family? ( Did you pay attention in biology?)

Did the milkman stay too long?( a teacher asked that one) 

Do you have anger problems? (well I do now)

Since you're ginger are you like crazy? (bout to be)  

OH. You like don't have eyebrows. (please don't touch my face)

I could keep going, but they're rated R. 

What people don't understand is that by being ginger you're opened up into a new level of discrimination. It's not terrible, it's just annoying. I cannot go to the mall, to the store without hearing something about my gingerness. Usually I wish I hadn't. 

Most recently at the store  "ayye baby you can come steal my soul and some other things too!" No thanks.

As a ginger, and as a human being who believes in personal space. Please stop touching my hair and asking me inappropriate questions. If you want the answers, buy me a drink first and we can talk ginger.

But what all this has taught me is to love myself, and my hair. 

If you got it, flaunt it. 

With ginger love, 

-Tay 

Nearly 21 and Clueless

It's crazy to think that in two short weeks I'll be twenty-one years old. It's even worse to think that I'm nearly twenty-one and I have zero clue as to what I am doing with my life.

And that's OKAY. 

You see for me, it's been a long journey trying to find myself. To figure out which direction I want to go, especially. I'm going on my third year to get my A.A. with the "intentions" of social work. I put "intentions" in quotations because that's honestly what it sounds like, it's uncertain. 

School has always been difficult for me, I was failed by the school system and I've never recovered. I was called stupid and slow by my peers. Made fun of for my lack of understanding, by people to this day I call my closest Friends. I've had tutors that have helped, and friends willing to assist me in math. But unless that person is there guiding my hand to the paper, I'm a lost cause. Currently, I'm enrolled in a course that meets five days a week and it's specifically for people with a learning disability. An advisor placed me in there with hopes to see me succeed. So far it has been great. This is the first time in my life I have actually gone into a math class and not left feeling anxious and miserable. I still get anxious at school though, the slightest things overwhelm me and I mentally check out. 

I've never found my thing. 

I like English and History, computers terrify me, and Science is Science. I lack artistic and physical talent. I write and read above my level, yet still don't completely excel. 

I wasn't blessed with any outstanding talent.

The things I can do, they are the things that make me a human being. I can cook, I make really great fish and grilled chicken. I can hold an intelligent conversation and if I'm wrong I'll admit it. I can talk my way into or out of anything, I will make you order that meal no problem. I try and think in a way that will most improve the outcome of what I'm doing. Sometimes, I don't think before I speak and I find myself regretting my word choice.

I have street smarts. I'm not always sketched out by people, as most girls are. I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you make me uncomfortable I will shut it down. I have a high sense of justice, and responsibility. If I don't think something is right, I will voice it. I often feel responsible for things that aren't my responsibility, but with enough heart in it I make it mine. Which can be a blessing and a curse. I love exploring, I find myself driving aimlessly around town. I love the out doors, and I am obsessed with the sky.

With that, I am struggling to find myself. I know my true self and what I am capable of doing as a person and a follower of Christ. But what do you do when you can't mentally and physically do what the world is telling you to do? What do you do when you know you're wasting time and money on school?

I know. You go, and you do bigger things instead. I truly believe God made me this way for a reason, that my struggles would be used to make a difference in some way. With that, I'm currently looking at different options, whether it is school, or a year abroad in missions.

 Go take on the world. 

I know there are other people out there like me, that struggle with school. That know they don't need school to do big things. That have struggled with being pushed instead of guided with school. That have been hurt by it and fear it with all that is in them. I don't fear the world, I fear not using my resources and skills to change it. I'm working on trusting God with the future and praying about it everyday.

I'm not saying I will drop out of school, or that is what everyone in a similar place should do. I'm going to complete my A.A. so that I may return to school if I so choose to leave it.
 I want feed back from you, the reader. I want to know if you've struggled with the same things, or have input on what I should do.

Thank you for reading my little rant about life, and the future.

Love Always,

Tay

When a Piece of You Becomes the Sky

Montana, how do I describe my time in Montana without wasting your time? I was fearful going into the trip, thinking I wouldn't make any friends or make any difference on the reservation. Coming out of the trip, all of them made a difference in me.

Chief Mountain was our backpacking trip when we first arrived to Montana. It was very challenging yet I still feel accomplished. 

The ministry tools we used weren't really tools, it was all relational. The goal was to "re-present" the gospel to the reservation because of the hard image left by the boarding schools. If you were lucky, you got to hear stories from the Natives about their time in the boarding schools.I got to meet some really awesome Blackfeet people who left a great impression on me, as I hope I did on them. 

During the Idian Days celebration in Browning we had our church service on the camp ground. It was cool because as people passed by, they would stop and stand for a few minutes. Even though it was just a few minutes, those few minutes could have a huge impact on their future. 

Living on the ranch was beautiful in every way. From a view of Glacier National Park by day and the Milky Way by night, I was forever in awe of God's beauty. The adventures never seemed to end on the ranch, never once did I utter the words "I'm bored". I loved doing things on the ranch and "earning my keep" as I helped out. 

The ranch was a bison ranch, we had a lot of fun riding out in the trucks to go and feed them. Such a beautiful and majestic creature, my next investment is a bison rug, perfect for afternoon naps. 

The people we were with were FANTASTIC. From students to leaders, I loved everyone dearly. My favorite experiences were when we either sat around a fire together sharing stories, or just hanging out and being in each others company. We ate on the porch or at the picnic rables for every meal. It was fun just being around everyone during that time, it made dinner fun.  Leaving was hard, as with any missions trip you take. I was challenged so much during my time there spiritually, and physically. The hikes we did were so awesome and some were more challenging than others, it was a true adventure. 

Every morning on my walk to the main house, I used that time to look at the sky. It always amazes me how close you feel to the sky out there, and how close the clouds are. The sun, moon, and stars all have something glorious about them. They don't call it Big Sky Country for nothing. My love for Montana and desire for Native American ministry hasn't gone away. It has only grown with my love for the Lord. 

A huge thank you to anyone who is reading this that supported me on my trip. I wouldn't have had this amazing experience without your help. I am truly thankful and so very blessed. Thank you. 

If you're a student I challenge you to go on a project or a missions trip in general. Do something longer than two weeks, learn to know the people and the culture. Take a chance, step out and go. It is scary and it is hard, but we are called to go and make disciples of all nations. 



- Tay 
(Singing Aspen) 

Dear America,

Below, is a letter to my country, my generation, my parent's generation, and my leaders. 

Dear America, 

I'm twenty years old, red hair, green eyes, average height, average weight, very white. I'm a typical twenty you see.  I "tweet," I "Pin," I work, I dream, I do normal stuff. I fear getting enough hours at work so that I may pay my bills. I was failed by the school system, and myself, to learn how to properly study and test. I check the news daily, waiting for the headlines that say we're entering massive wars that could be wagering my future.

But America why do I do that? Why do I fear that?

Because my leaders gave my parents generation a pat on the back for giving my generation trophies. 

I fall in the gap, I caught the beginning of the trophy stage and narrowly escaped a poor mentality. I was blessed with parents who want to see their child succeed. But they also want to see me work for it.
But anyone younger than me has been failed.
They can get away with arguing with a teacher if their parents call the school. They can get away with cyberbullying. They can get away with calling a fellow student fat. Hell, they could get away with murder. All because they are "Expressing their self."
America, please, do yourself a favor and throw out the trophies. Tell your child no, no it is not okay to throw your ice cream on the ground. No it is not "silly" that your son did that. No it is not okay that your eight year old who looks like a linebacker just ordered a large meal because you didn't want to "hurt his feelings." Dear God it is not okay to tell a cop he cannot have his weapon on him, because you are sixteen and believe that we should have "peace." Because without that cop I can assure your sixteen year old macho self would be a lot more afraid.

To my leaders, why do you think other countries mock us?
Why do you think so few fear us?
We do nothing but export idiocy. You hand out welfare like the trophies, and proudly too. You provide nothing but insecurity. 

I fear not having a job field when I graduate.  I fear not being able to live the "American Dream," because there won't be an American dream to have. It will be stripped of us, just like the rest of our individuality. 

Dearest America, I don't expect you to write back.  If you do, don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings. 'Cause my skin is tougher then some lame plastic trophy. 

Oh how I do love you my America, but it is time for some change. REAL CHANGE. To my generation, step up and be what we need to shape the next. 

Love always, 

Taylor O'Kane