Growing up, I was always considered average. I tested average or below on state issued tests, and made sub par grades. I was never confronted by teachers unless it involved failing the course. That was usually fixed by teachers "adjusting" my grades because I was a helpful student and showed effort in most areas, just lack of comprehension. I would roll with it because it meant less work and stress on myself.
College came about and my professors don't really care about my lack of comprehension in the subject at hand, or my effort. They are what the grade calculations show, which has been steadily a 78% or below on most exams. I've never done well testing, I normally become the most anxious person in the room. " If I don't pass this I'll never graduate" runs through my mind as I read, or try to read each question.
I study, I memorize, I see each word and store it in my brain. But I don't understand why this combination of words matter. It's exceptionally hard when it comes to mathematics, I cannot grasp the process at which I need to solve, or understand what means what to solve for X. It's lost information and a waste of you're time.
My insecurity with math may expand beyond my lack of understanding and comprehension to normal words. I find myself reading directions over and over for every assignment. In hopes that each time I read it the objective would become more clear. Most times it doesn't and I just sit and stare, praying that a classmate would see my struggle and offer to help. I approach my professors quite often, looking for help, but often they're explanations usually are followed by "If you can't understand this part I can't help you." I had teachers in middle school and high school that brushed me off because I just seemed like the kid that would get it.. eventually.
I attempt assignments on my own, confident that it is what is being asked of me. When I arrive to class it is often exact opposite of what the teacher has asked within the assignment.
Why am I writing this?
Well, a while ago I found out I tested positive for dyslexia. Not the typical dyslexia that involves mixing words and letters, but on a comprehension base. It has to do a lot with how my brain processes things. There's something that isn't quite connecting there, and it's annoying.
At first I was mad, it actually made me physically sick to my stomach. All this time I could have had help, and saved a lot of hard memories from being made. I've been called stupid, slow, dumb, you name it. I was mocked for failing algebra 2 and taking it again and barely skimming by.
I've been surrounded by people who are "successful" academically and make it very certain that I am aware, that I should try harder. Believe me if I could do it I would.
I could sit around and beat myself up about it, but what difference would that make? I'm that kid who made it through the school system without being humiliated and tested with a learning disability. I should probably be humiliated now, but I'm not. Not at all.
I made it this far. I'm strong.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I can successfully interact with people. I can read people and hold a civilized conversation with adults that most people my age would be afraid to do. I could live on my own and I can iron my shirt. Most people my age whom I'd consider intelligent people couldn't do any of those things successfully because they look at things with a narrow point of view. I like the big picture. I like that I've managed these years with a disability that yes it may have affected me academically, but made me into a decent person I'd say.
I root for the under dog in any given situation. Whether it's football, a reality show, or the kid that everyone just kind of picks on. I've always known it's because I can "relate" to the under dog, but never knew why. I always believed it was because I was the only redhead in my family. But now it makes sense, it's not just my hair color that makes me the underdog, but my ability to over come this hard things and keep moving. Just like I've always done.
This gives me a drive to prove myself more so than before. It's comforting knowing that I am a strong person and that through the trials of school and growing up I still persevered. I can't let the fear of being humiliated for my lack of comprehension hinder me from what I am to become when I reach my full potential.
I have a feeling it's going to be awesome.
- Tay
p.s.
Right now I am enrolled in a math class that meets five days a week. It is meant for people with learning disabilities and it is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I am continuing to grow and reach beyond this.
